Blog #3 - Oliver Hamlin

Exercise #: 4. Changing POV

Before:

The customization of my burrito from the heavens was a blur. I was so fixated on the thought of finally being able to bite down into the Mexican goodness that lied between the soft, steam pressed tortilla roll. I couldn’t even wait for my friend. I just couldn’t. I had to sit down and try it. The aluminum foil surrounding my delectable treat was like was the gift wrap of a majestic Central American experience. It was Christmas all over again. Feliz Navidad.

After:

#1 (third-person singular)
The customization of his burrito from the heavens was a blur. Oliver was so fixated on the thought of finally being able to bite down into the Mexican goodness that lied between the soft, steam pressed tortilla roll. He couldn’t even wait for my friend. He just couldn’t. He had to sit down and try it. The aluminum foil surrounding his delectable treat was like was the gift wrap of a majestic Central American experience. It was Christmas all over again. Feliz Navidad a él.

#2 (second person)
The customization of your burrito from the heavens was a blur. You were so fixated on the thought of finally being able to bite down into the Mexican goodness that lied between the soft, steam pressed tortilla roll. You couldn’t even wait for my friend. You just couldn’t. You had to sit down and try it. The aluminum foil surrounding your delectable treat was like was the gift wrap of a majestic Central American experience. It was Christmas all over again. Feliz Navidad para ti.

  I enjoyed this exercise the most because I felt the different POVs of my paragraph gave very different tones. Although #1 felt a little weird writing, since it was in third-person of myself, I thought it gave off the tone one would hear while watching a show like the Crocodile Hunter, where I was the specimen being researched during my intimate first moment shared with a Chipotle burrito. The tone I felt from #2 is rather accusatory, as if being so obsessed with a burrito was an action to feel guilty about. Either way, I thought these exercises were fun in seeing how different POVs create different voices when writing to an audience.

Exercise #:

Impersonal or distanced.
Original

First day of senior year is legit. Driving to school in my Audi. My music is BLASTING and its 7:30 in the morning, but I don’t care. I’m a senior. I can do whatever I want and no one will care. I finally run the school. Walking through these doors gives me an adrenaline rush the size of a tidal wave. I can’t stop smiling walking down this hallway. I’m glowing with happiness. When have I ever been excited to start a school year? Haha never. But this year is so different. This year is the year when everything comes together. When I will make memories that will last a life time. I’m so excited, this year is going to be a piece of cake.

Revised

First day of senior year is legit. Driving to school in my Audi. The music is BLASTING and its 7:30 in the morning, but I don’t care. It’s senior year. Seniors can do whatever they want and no one will care. Finally, we run the school. Walking through these doors gives me an adrenaline rush the size of a tidal wave. The smile on my face is bright and huge. My body is radiating with happiness. When have I ever been excited to start a school year? Haha never. But this year is so different. This year is the year when everything comes together. Memories will be made that will last a life time. I’m so hyped, this year is going to be a piece of cake.

I chose this one because I realized that this paragraph had way too many "I's." It was a little too personal and the reader couldn't really get a feel for how I was actually feeling. I added a bit more detail and changed the words around and it's like a whole new paragraph. I feel like it's a lot more well written.

Blog #3 Jan Stary

The exercises that we had to complete were somewhat interesting. I like them because they offer a different perspective into our writing. For specifically, I like the first exercise I chose. The first exercise I chose was the one where you take one of your snapshots and break it up into little constituent sentences. The example given in the textbook was "I leaned down nearly horizontally to wedge myself into the red roadster." This was then broken down into "I leaned down. I was nearly horizontal. I wedged myself into the roadster. The roadster was red."
I took the snapshot where I wrote about Twizzlers and decided that it would be the paragraph I would modify. The following are the constituent sentences:

I was very little. I loved all kinds of candy. I had a very strong sweet-tooth. I didn’t like peanut butter. Now, I love peanut butter. I am practically in love with it. It’s fascinating how taste buds change. I was in Walgreens. I was browsing the aisles. Meanwhile, I was eating Twizzlers. I began to feel weird. My stomach was uneasy My moral about recuperation declined. I rushed to the bathroom. I threw up. The Twizzlers were escaping me. The event turned me away from Twizzlers. I may have a PTSD from the event. I haven’t like Twizzlers since the event.

When an individual is in possession of little constituent sentences, more ideas are ready to flow. The individual may put the sentences back together in a way that was better than the original paragraph. This provides progress in a writer and in turn, makes the individual a better writer. I would highly recommend this process; however, it is somewhat time consuming.

Another thing I liked was re-writing the paragraphs. I believe this allows the individual to pay more attention to grammar and sentence structure. Mistakes are spotted with ease when something the individual is attempting to modify doesn't sound write. If this happens, the writer can quickly make corrections and the piece of writing is just that much better.

Blog 3

Original Paragraph: We got out of the car and my mom hurried my barely 50 pound body along into the huge white and tan building. It seemed as if my whole life had been interrupted. I had gotten accustomed to watching cartoon network at my grandma’s house all day.  It’s like one day my parents had a top-secret conversation up to ruin my life and make me start school. We hurried down the hallway which smelled like newly waxed floors. At the end was a large red door propped wide open with the words “WELCOME TO KINDERGARTEN!” I walked into the door grasping my moms hand as tight as my five year old body could and was immediately greeted by an older woman who introduced herself as my teacher. Confused, I said hi and then hid behind my mom’s legs. “I’m Mrs. Barquin, honey there’s no need to be shy” the wrinkly old woman. Nothing that woman could have said would make me feel any more comfortable with her. After all she was a stranger and mom always said don’t talk to strangers.

Much shorter syllables:
I got out of the car. Walked to my class with my mom. It was a big building. my life was over. i just wanted to watch tv. my mom and dad and me go. i walked in class and was scared. my teacher said hi but i was scared. She didn't want me scared but i still was. She was a stranger to me.

I chose to do this exercise because it showed that while reading a paper, it can always broken down into something more understandable. I'm in no way saying that the original was hard to understand but this is a very good device for reading harder material. This exercise that I did was simply making larger sentences as close to one syllable as possible. This could be more useful when reading a science book or even hard literature in english.

Blog #3 - Allison Clarke-Hall "Style Exercises"

Before:

She loved to sit outside on her porch on afternoons like these—when the previously still air began to gain the energy to move the trees and other objec1ts around it. The once blue sky full of white puffy clouds became a light grey with intimidating (but welcoming) dark grey clouds. The wind, which became stronger as the minutes passed, smelt of the rain that was guaranteed to start anytime now. As the storm grew ever so closer, more and more sounds emerged from nature—the pitter-patter of the rain as it landed on the roof and began to drip down the gutters and the steady roll of the no longer distant thunder. Eventually the pitter-patter increased to a steady roar, the rumbling thunder became loud crackles and booms and the rustling of the leaves caused by the wind evolved into a stronger, higher-pitched sound as it passed her ears. Somehow this rambunctious summer thunderstorm was still the most calming experience for her.

After:

She loved to sit outside.

The air began to gain energy.

The trees began to move.

The sky turned grey.

The clouds darkened.

It was welcoming.

The wind strengthened.

It smelt of incoming rain.

The storm grew closer.

The rain was heard.

The thunder grew louder.

The rain began to roar.

The thunder crackled and boomed.

The leaves rustled in the wind.

Somehow it was still calm for her.

I chose exercise #1: Sentence Combining because the style looked interesting to me. This style can turn a wordy, overbearing paragraph into small and to the point sentences. When I was reading the examples (and even my own) I almost felt as though I was reading a free verse poem. Because a lot of the details were taken out, it also reminded me of a summary of a book. It gives an outline of what the entire paragraph is about without giving away all of the details.

Blog #3

Exercise #5 (Removing "I")

Before: With a sizeable backyard comes games to play, especially when your neighbors were as friendly as mine. We were a close knit group, as kids we were always running around the cul de sac on the rocky and bumpy road playing sports and hanging out. Everyone got along no matter what age you were, I was 9 years old playing basketball with 15 year olds and our dads who were in their 40’s. It’s a pleasure to remember my childhood and see how active I was. It wouldn’t have been done without the great people I had around me. Our all-time most cherished game was “Bob Baseball.” It was simply given that name because we played baseball in my backyard with my dad whose name is Bob. We loved this game to death, all the kids on the block would come to play everyday, sometimes bringing friends and showing them what a great time we had. It would be a boiling hot summer day, sweat dripping down our foreheads, and we would be having a blast, cracking jokes while playing the game we all loved. Everyday I would be ready because I knew, right as they knocked on my door it was time. I would race down the steps, heart pounding in anxiousness to play, and answer the door to see one of the neighbors. We would gather everyone up, pick teams and then it began. The little kids used metal bats while the older kids and my dad used a stick ball bat with jet black tape wrapped around the lower half. This game created long lasting memories that I will never forget, such as my sister singing the national anthem and announcing the players before the championship game. As well as my friend taking a line drive off of his forehead for a home run. From hilarious memories to competitive games I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend my days as a child, and doing it with friends I hope to keep forever.

After: With a sizeable backyard comes games to play, especially when your neighbors were as friendly as mine. We were a close knit group, as kids we were always running around the cul de sac on the rocky and bumpy road playing sports and hanging out. Everyone always got along no matter what age you were, there were 9 year olds playing basketball with 15 and 40 year olds. Being active as a child is great, and having great people around you makes it a whole lot easier. Our all time most cherished game was “Bob baseball.” It was simply given that name because we played baseball in my backyard with my dad  whose name is Bob. This game was beloved by all, the kids on the block would come to play everyday. Sometimes bringing friends and showing them what a great time we had. It would be a boiling hot day, sweat dripping down our foreheads, and we would be having a blast, cracking jokes while playing the game we all loved. Everyday the neighbors would come to the front door and ask to play, the teams would be picked and the game began. The smaller kids would use a metal bat while the teenagers and adults used a stick ball bat with jet black tape wrapped around the lower half. This game created long lasting memories, such as the national anthem sang at the championship game. As well as a player taking a line drive off of his forehead for a home run. From hilarious memories to competitive games “Bob baseball” was a great past time for Hunting Hill Drive.


I enjoyed this activity because I use "I" a lot in my writing so it is helpful to see what my writing would like without "I" at all. My writing is still better with the use of first person, but finding a balance of not enough or too much first person could benefit my writing a lot. My sentences do not flow great with the use of first person so taking it out was definitely a challenge but overall a beneficial experience.

Blog #3 (Revision Ex)

Exercise #:9

Before:

Waiting for him going on three hours now- it is 6’oclock on a Saturday and I’m sitting there half debating making the hour drive home or simply not replying to his texts half wanting to cry. We decide to walk around Anna Maria in the 97 degree weather. Finally my phone vibrates and I look down to see what would soon become my favorite name in the whole world. He showed up looking far better than I’d expected. First off I don’t know a single person who actually looks good in a bucket hat- but that faded blue bucket hat was working for him. Six foot four, blue eyes- or maybe there were greener that day, dirty blonde hair and the jawline of a God...

After:

Waitin' going on three hours now. 6’oclock on a Saturday. I sit half debating drivin’ the hour drive home and ignoring his texts and half wanting to cry. It gets decided to walk around Anna Maria in the 97 degree weather. My phone vibrates. I look down to see what surely is now my favorite name in the whole wide world. He made it. He stands there, smoking’ hot and better than i’d been expecting. I never knew a single person who actually looked decent in a bucket hat. My how that faded blue bucket hat was working for him though. Six foot four, blue eyes with little bits of green that day. That messy dirty blonde hair and a jawline etched by God...

I posted this revision because it is completely different from how i would think I would write about Dylan. changing the tone to something else- It is a different kind of voice, a different style but it still brings out him and the characteristics I wanted to capture. To me when i wrote this piece i wanted it to be smooth, to be detailed to show how easy going and great he is. But doing this exercise and adjusting the tone of it i could look at my writing about Dylan in a different way. It makes it more nervous I feel and gives you more of a sense of the uneasiness and butterflies he gives me as well. The aggravation of the wait is help to be shown more with the choppy sentences and it helps show that emotion before he got there. I did a few fragments in the exercise and a lot of short structure so its more of a collection of what was going on and what was in my head then just an overview of the situation. I liked this exercise because it made me thing about my writing. To try and go outside of how i would normally write and what image i had created of what i wanted it to be. I had to do something different and it was really helpful and interesting to me. I wouldn't have thought just rewriting a paragraph in a differnt way could change a perspective on it, granted it is different but its still the same content. It gets me excited for the rest of my revisions!