William McKenna- Blog #3

Group Member 2: Billy McKenna

Exercise #: 5 - imperosnal/distanced

Original 

Its time to take this game into my own hands. There’s less than one minute left and we’re only down two points. Sick and tired of ballhogs. Had enough of letting the rest of the team take every shot. If I have to go get the rebound or the steal all on my own so be it. Calling for the ball the whole game isn’t going to get me any baskets. The shot goes up and I sprint down under the basket. My body acting as battering ram I grab the ball before it even hits the ground. Now its time to move up the court. Should I pass it to an open teammate? No, they haven’t passed it to me the whole game. This is my chance to show them Im the guy who should have the ball in crunch time.

Revised:  Its time to charge of this game. There’s less than one minute left and we’re only down two points. Sick and tired of ballhogs. Had enough of letting the rest of the team take every shot. If going to get a steal or rebound without any help is the only answer so be it. Calling for the ball the whole game isn’t going to get me any baskets. The shot goes up and the sprint to down under the basket ensues. Succeeding in grabbing the ball before it even hit the ground felt awesome. Now its time to move up the court. No point in passing the ball to a teammate. Not when they never passed it themselves the whole game. This is the chance to show them who really should have the ball in crunch time.

Exercise #: 9 - Tone coloring

Original:

Besides Christmas mornings i’ve never woke up with such excitement. What time is? Only 10:00am? Just a few more hours till the big game. Still doesn’t feel real. How am i so lucky that today I’m going to see the “Jets” play the “Giants”.  Man, I love my Dad for getting these tickets. I wonder what an NFL game is like. It must be so awesome. The smell of bacon cooking downstairs hits my nose and I know for sure today is going to be a great day. One for the record books even hopefully. Finally, an hour later were cruising the highway on the way to the stadium. Looking out the window, the skies so clear and the weather is perfect. Cant wait to get to the parking lot and start grilling.

Revised-One/two syllable

Besides Christmas mornings i’ve never woke up so happy. What time is? Only 10:00am? Just a few more hours till the big game. Still doesn’t feel real. How am i so lucky that today I’m going to see the “Jets” play the “Giants”.  Man, I love my Dad for getting these tickets. I wonder what an NFL game is like. It must be so awesome. The smell of bacon cooking downstairs hits my nose and I know for sure today is going to be a great day. One for the record books even maybe. Finally, an hour later were cruising the highway on the way to the game. Looking out the window, the skies so clear and the weather is perfect. Cant wait to get to the parking lot and start grilling.

Revised- Slang

Besides Christmas mornings i’ve never woke up with such excitement. What time is? Only 10:00am? Thats whatsup, just a few more hours till the big game. Still doesn’t feel real.  Im one lucky guy that today I’m going to see the “Jets” play the “Giants”.  Man, my dad’s the bomb for getting these tickets. I wonder what an NFL game is like. It bet its sick. The smell of bacon cooking downstairs hits my nose and I know for sure today is going to be awesome. One for the record books even hopefully. Finally, an hour later we’re riding dirty down the highway on the way to the stadium. Looking out the window, the skies so clear and the weather is perfect. Cant wait to get to the parking lot and start grilling some dogs.

I chose these exercises because they seemed like they could be the most beneficial towards my specific snapshot assignment. Other exercises seemed liked they'd be helpful too for writing in general but just not for my specifics snapshots. I also choose them because I felt like they would be possible for me to complete well; while others seemed extremely difficult leading me to think they might give me great trouble while trying to complete them. I definitely have trouble when it comes to trying to write without using "I's or "me"'s so that specific exercise helped a lot. Trying to use one/two syllable's and implementing slang just seemed like something fun/interesting to try and do so that's why I choose doing that rather then others.