Exercise #: 4
Before:
The crowd was insane. Everyone was bumping into each other as we stood close to the stage just waiting. We were in the pit. Some people were outrageously dressed with crazy costumes while others were trying to stay cool in the heat of the crowd wearing their Gaga t-shirts. I was at the first Lady Gaga concert that kicked off her fourth tour. I got VIP tickets as a graduation gift. Everyone there was excited until the long wait began. A DJ came on stage and stayed there for what seemed like forever. Boring. The time passed. It was hot and we were all standing in the pit. The concert was supposed to start an hour and a half ago. Some of the people in the seat section were getting tired of waiting and I could see them slumping over. Finally, the stadium went dark, music began and she burst on stage. The light show almost blinded us. I never felt such electricity before in a crowd of people. Everyone was screaming and dancing. She is really loved by her fans. I almost touched her hand as she reached out into the crowd on the stage right in front of me. I’m a fan. I admit it. Crazy sets. Really odd costumes. Singing to the music I know by heart.
After: (third person)
The crowd was insane. Everyone was bumping into each other as a teenage guy and his girlfriend stood close to the stage just waiting. They were in the pit. Some people were outrageously dressed with crazy costumes while others were trying to stay cool in the heat of the crowd wearing their Gaga t-shirts. They were at the first Lady Gaga concert that kicked off her fourth tour. They got VIP tickets as a graduation gift. Everyone there was excited until the long wait began. A DJ came on stage and stayed there for what seemed like forever. Boring. The time passed. It was hot and they were all standing in the pit. The concert was supposed to start a hour and a half ago. Some of the people in the seat section were getting tired of waiting and he could see them slumping over. Finally, the stadium went dark, music began and Lady Gaga burst on stage. The light show almost blinded them. They never felt such electricity before in a crowd of people. Everyone was screaming and dancing. She is really loved by her fans. He almost touched her hand as she reached out into the crowd on the stage right in front of him. He and his girlfriend were huge fans and they weren’t afraid to admit it. Crazy sets. Really odd costumes. Singing to the music they know by heart. What a great voice and performer.
After: (second person)
The crowd is insane. Everyone was bumping into each other as you stand close to the stage just waiting. You’re in the pit. Some people are outrageously dressed with crazy costumes while others are trying to stay cool in the heat of the crowd wearing their Gaga t-shirts. You are at the first Lady Gaga concert kicking off her fourth tour. You got VIP tickets as a graduation gift. Everyone there is excited until the long wait begins and a DJ comes on stage and stays there for what seems like forever. Boring. The time passes. It’s hot and you’re all standing in the pit. The concert was supposed to start an hour and a half ago. Some of the people in the seat section are getting tired of waiting and you can see them slumping over. Finally, the stadium goes dark, music begins and she bursts on stage. The light show almost blinds you. You’ve never felt such electricity before in a crowd of people. Everyone is screaming and dancing. She is really loved by her fans. You almost touch her hand as she reaches out into the crowd on the stage right in front of you. Crazy sets, really odd costumes, singing to the music you know by heart. You're a fan, admit it.
I chose to do exercise #4 because I thought it would be simple to change the points of view of the paragraph. I thought I could change "I" to "you" and leave it at that; however, I had to change various parts of the sentences as well. For example, when I changed it to second person, I needed to change the past tense of the paragraph to present tense. I realized, after making these changes, that the paragraph was more exciting to read after I changed it to second person.
Exercise #: 5
Before:
I loved to hear the tick, tick, tick of the sprinkler as it made its way back to the beginning before shooting water out onto the lawn with such force. I could sit for hours watching it go back and forth. I’d even try to make it go faster by manually pulling back the sprinkler arm. I’d crouch in the grass, getting wet myself from the backspray. My dad told me these were impact sprinklers. We also had an oscillating sprinkler. You know, the ones that move back and forth like a huge fan. They didn’t make noise but I still liked to watch them. There was something a bit soothing about the water moving in an arch. Another sprinkler that we used on the side of the house was just a round tube with holes in it that shot water out like a fountain. This one was just okay to watch but it wasn’t very exciting. No sound and no real movement. We had one more sprinkler that had little arms with holes on the ends that moved the water around in a circle. I found out later that these were rotary sprinklers.
After:
Tick, tick, tick. The sprinkler makes its way back to the beginning before shooting water out onto the lawn with such force. Watching it go back and forth provided hours of entertainment. Manually pulling back the sprinkler arm would make it go faster. The backspray would get you wet if you stood too close. My dad said these were impact sprinklers. We also had an oscillating sprinkler. You know, the ones that move back and forth like a huge fan. They didn’t make noise but they were still interesting to watch. There was something a bit soothing about the water moving in an arch. Another sprinkler that we used on the side of the house was just a round tube with holes in it that shot water out like a fountain. This one was just okay to watch but it wasn’t very exciting. No sound and no real movement. We had one more sprinkler that had little arms with holes on the ends that moved the water around in a circle. These were rotary sprinklers.
I chose to do exercise #5 because when I was reading through the exercises, I realized I use the word "I" very frequently in my writing. I decided to try this exercise to see what my writing would sound like if I took the I's out of it. When I took the I's out, I saw that the story didn't seem as emotional as it was before. It took some of the personal aspect out of the story.
No comments:
Post a Comment