Blog #4 Rod Johnson

I came up with ideas for my snapshot really at the end of last year. As the New Year came by, I really laid in my bed and thought what all I was going to through I the year 2014! Prom, graduation, senior skip day, last day of high school, going to college, playing my first college football game. I mean so many exciting things are going to happen! When this paper was assigned I already knew in my mind what snap shots I was going to write about. It would be easy for me to write and enjoyable because I had fun during those times. I ended up writing about all the snapshots I was thinking of. I hope I have more fun events that happen to me to help me serve  a second paper for when its due.

Aaron Mazyck 9/15

Part 1

Suggestions

·      Lack of detail

·      Poor punctuation

·      Over using cliché

·      Incomplete thoughts

Strengths

·      Genuine emotions

Part 2

I enjoyed this revision style because of the emphasis on the content rather that worrying about how well it is written. It helped me see what need to be added. In the past peer revisions haven’t been very helpful because revisions have been so focused on commas and periods. Also it helps me know what the reader wants to hear about.

Part 3

I main issues I need to fix is take out the clichéd statements and replace them with a more  descriptive sentence or statement. Another issue is that I have not completed a few of my thoughts so I need to reconstruct the paper a little to tie it all together even though I do want it to appear random. The last thing I need to fix is the overall vagueness so far. I have been focus on periods of time rather then specific events which I struggle with because I feel like I am not capturing the same amount of emotion.

Blog #3

Exercise #: 4

A. One day, my friend and I thought it was a good idea to try sneaking out in the middle of the night to hang out with a few friends. Keep in mind, we had done this many times before and have never been caught. This night was a little different. Long story short, my parents went absolutely nuts when they realized I was gone. When I came home to talk things out, it was a complete yell off. The one thing I remember most was when my father stuck his pointer finger in my face and backed me into a wall with it as he said “I wish you weren’t my daughter.” As soon as those words left his mouth I immediately burst into tears and felt my whole body shaking with rage, anger, sadness, fear, every bad emotion into one, it was indescribable how I truly felt in that moment. My God-fearing father just told me he wishes his only daughter didn’t even exist. It may have been an in the moment type of anger but I was just so shocked by it I could not contain myself and my entire body couldn’t function for a good hour. I didn’t speak to my parents for at least a month after that day. It still saddens me to look back and remember what happened that day.

B. One day, the friends thought it was a good idea to try sneaking out in the middle of the night to hang out with a few others. Keep in mind, they had done this many times before and have never been caught. This night was a little different. Long story short, Hannah’s parents went absolutely nuts when they realized she was gone. When she came home to talk things out, it was a complete yell off. The one thing she remembers most was when my father stuck his pointer finger in her face and backed me into a wall with it as he said “I wish you were never my daughter.” As soon as those words left his mouth she immediately burst into tears and her whole body started shaking with rage, anger, sadness, fear, every bad emotion into one, it was indescribable how she truly felt in that moment. This God-fearing father of hers just told me he wishes his only daughter didn’t even exist. It may have been an in the moment type of anger but even so, she  was just so shocked by it, she could not contain herself and her entire body couldn’t function for a good hour. Hannah didn’t speak to her parents for at least a month after that day. It still saddens her to looking back and remembering what happened that day.

C. One day, your friends thought it was a good idea to try sneaking out in the middle of the night to hang out with a few friends. Keep in mind, you had done this many times before and have never been caught. This night was a little different though. Long story short, your parents went absolutely nuts when they realized you was gone. When you came home to talk things out, it was a complete yell off. The one thing you remember most was when your father stuck his pointer finger in your face and backed you into a wall with it as he said “I wish you weren’t my daughter.” As soon as those words left his mouth you immediately burst into tears and your whole body started shaking with rage, anger, sadness, fear, every bad emotion into one, it was indescribable how you truly felt in that moment. Your God-fearing father just told me he wishes his only daughter didn’t even exist. It may have been an in the moment type of anger but you were just so shocked by it you could not contain yourself and your entire body couldn’t function for a good hour. You didn’t speak to your parents for at least a month after that day. It still saddens you to look back and remember what happened that day.

Exercise #: 5

One day, we thought it was a good idea to try sneaking out in the middle of the night to hang out with a few friends. Keep in mind, we had done this many times before and have never been caught. This night was a little different. Long story short, my parents went absolutely nuts when they realized something was missing. When we came home to talk things out, it was a complete yell off. The one thing remembered most from that night was when my father stuck his pointer finger in my face and backed me into a wall with it as he said “I wish you weren’t my daughter.” As soon as those words left his mouth, tears immediately fell and felt my whole body was shaking with rage, anger, sadness, fear, every bad emotion into one, it was indescribable how strong my emotions were in that moment. My God-fearing father just told me he wishes his only daughter didn’t even exist. It may have been an in the moment type of anger but it was just so shocking and and my entire body couldn’t function for a good hour. Not one word was communicated for at least a month between us after that.  It still saddens me to look back and remember what happened that day.

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I chose these exercises  because I thought it would be interesting to see my story from different points of views. Both these exercises require me changing the point of view from first person to an alternate perspective. It lays out a well revised comparison that I can possibly use in my revision process. Different points of view allow me to see what sounds better to the reader or when using less “I’s” to sound less choppy. I think doing this helps me see my writing from an outsider perspective as a reader more than the writer. It makes me less bias toward my writing because I see what the story may sound like to any one person reading it. I believe it is important to have variety, especially in different snap shots, because it draws the reader in more to not be bored or have a perspective be overused to the extent that it is repetitive. 

William McKenna- Blog #3

Group Member 2: Billy McKenna

Exercise #: 5 - imperosnal/distanced

Original 

Its time to take this game into my own hands. There’s less than one minute left and we’re only down two points. Sick and tired of ballhogs. Had enough of letting the rest of the team take every shot. If I have to go get the rebound or the steal all on my own so be it. Calling for the ball the whole game isn’t going to get me any baskets. The shot goes up and I sprint down under the basket. My body acting as battering ram I grab the ball before it even hits the ground. Now its time to move up the court. Should I pass it to an open teammate? No, they haven’t passed it to me the whole game. This is my chance to show them Im the guy who should have the ball in crunch time.

Revised:  Its time to charge of this game. There’s less than one minute left and we’re only down two points. Sick and tired of ballhogs. Had enough of letting the rest of the team take every shot. If going to get a steal or rebound without any help is the only answer so be it. Calling for the ball the whole game isn’t going to get me any baskets. The shot goes up and the sprint to down under the basket ensues. Succeeding in grabbing the ball before it even hit the ground felt awesome. Now its time to move up the court. No point in passing the ball to a teammate. Not when they never passed it themselves the whole game. This is the chance to show them who really should have the ball in crunch time.

Exercise #: 9 - Tone coloring

Original:

Besides Christmas mornings i’ve never woke up with such excitement. What time is? Only 10:00am? Just a few more hours till the big game. Still doesn’t feel real. How am i so lucky that today I’m going to see the “Jets” play the “Giants”.  Man, I love my Dad for getting these tickets. I wonder what an NFL game is like. It must be so awesome. The smell of bacon cooking downstairs hits my nose and I know for sure today is going to be a great day. One for the record books even hopefully. Finally, an hour later were cruising the highway on the way to the stadium. Looking out the window, the skies so clear and the weather is perfect. Cant wait to get to the parking lot and start grilling.

Revised-One/two syllable

Besides Christmas mornings i’ve never woke up so happy. What time is? Only 10:00am? Just a few more hours till the big game. Still doesn’t feel real. How am i so lucky that today I’m going to see the “Jets” play the “Giants”.  Man, I love my Dad for getting these tickets. I wonder what an NFL game is like. It must be so awesome. The smell of bacon cooking downstairs hits my nose and I know for sure today is going to be a great day. One for the record books even maybe. Finally, an hour later were cruising the highway on the way to the game. Looking out the window, the skies so clear and the weather is perfect. Cant wait to get to the parking lot and start grilling.

Revised- Slang

Besides Christmas mornings i’ve never woke up with such excitement. What time is? Only 10:00am? Thats whatsup, just a few more hours till the big game. Still doesn’t feel real.  Im one lucky guy that today I’m going to see the “Jets” play the “Giants”.  Man, my dad’s the bomb for getting these tickets. I wonder what an NFL game is like. It bet its sick. The smell of bacon cooking downstairs hits my nose and I know for sure today is going to be awesome. One for the record books even hopefully. Finally, an hour later we’re riding dirty down the highway on the way to the stadium. Looking out the window, the skies so clear and the weather is perfect. Cant wait to get to the parking lot and start grilling some dogs.

I chose these exercises because they seemed like they could be the most beneficial towards my specific snapshot assignment. Other exercises seemed liked they'd be helpful too for writing in general but just not for my specifics snapshots. I also choose them because I felt like they would be possible for me to complete well; while others seemed extremely difficult leading me to think they might give me great trouble while trying to complete them. I definitely have trouble when it comes to trying to write without using "I's or "me"'s so that specific exercise helped a lot. Trying to use one/two syllable's and implementing slang just seemed like something fun/interesting to try and do so that's why I choose doing that rather then others.

Blog #3 - Koji Tilley

Exercise #: 4

Before:

It was surreal... as if it came straight out of a dream. I am in Carnegie Hall. The walls

were lined with gold... I’m entranced by the beautiful architecture that I stand within. As the

Wind Ensemble settles themselves into the chairs nicely set up on stage, I helped my fellow

percussionists organize the equipment backstage. Then, we began to warm up. Our band director conducted the first note to our warmup. He stopped, and the band just observed, in awe, the essence of that one note that we just played. The tasteful resonance echoed through the entire hall. We all let that sink in, realizing where we really are in this world. We just played a single note in the world’s most renowned hall. It was simply satisfying.

After (2nd pov):

It was surreal... as if it came straight out of a dream. You’re in Carnegie Hall. The walls were lined with gold, as you are entranced by the beautiful architecture that you stand within. As the Wind Ensemble settles themselves into the chairs nicely set up on stage, you helped your fellow percussionists organize the equipment backstage. Then, the band began to warm up. Your band director conducted the first note to the warmup. He stopped, and the band just observed, in awe, the essence of that one note that was just played. The tasteful resonance echoed through the entire hall. You, along with everyone else in the room, let that feeling sink in, realizing where you all are in this world. Your fellow band members played a single note in the world’s most renowned hall. You feel simply satisfied.

(3rd pov)

It was surreal… as if it came straight out of a dream. The band is in Carnegie Hall. The walls were lined with gold, as everyone is mesmerized by the beautiful architecture that surrounded them. As the wind instrumentalists settle themselves into the chairs nicely set up on staged, the percussion section was setting up their equipment backstage. Then, the band began to warm up. Mr. Dunn conducted the first note of the warmup. He stopped, though, and everyone just observed, in awe, the essence of that one note that was just played. The tasteful resonance echoed through the entire hall. Everyone in the room let that sink in, with the realization of where the band was at this moment in time. The Crestview High School Wind Ensemble just played a single note in the world’s most renowned hall. It was satisfying for everyone on stage.

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This exercise was an interesting one, since it completely changes the focus and the viewpoint that the reader is experiencing. When the above snapshot is written in 2nd person, it makes the reader feel like he/she is involved in the experience. Before, when the snapshot was written in 1st person, it was a more personal experience for me, but by simply changing it to the 2nd person, I felt like I could share my experience.

When written in 3rd person though, the focus completely changes. When I wrote the 3rd person omniscient perspective, I felt like I was sitting in the chairs in the audience, watching the band prepare themselves. And even as an audience member, the one note played still seems to reverberate through everybody. What's interesting about the 3rd person view is that the structure of the sentences had to change to accommodate everyone that was involved. It gave a little bit more background, as an audience member, to be able to see what was happening. Of course, more personal details are left out, but they can still be implied through the message that is being sent by the writing.

Blog #3

It was thursday night.

It was time for practice.

Practice was an hour and a half.

The practice before our big game.

What were we going to do tonight?

The whole team was hoping.

They were hoping that we did a lot of hitting.

Dad was a coach.

My team was the Marlins.

There was a draft and we always had the same time.

Six years and we always had the same team.

We always had the same team.

The roster was always the same.

Throwing long tosses.

I was with my friends.

Doing some batting practice.

Practice started with a bunch of drills.

The drills put us in odd situations.

We hadn’t been introduced to them before.  

Practice ran its usual course.

It eventually ended.

After the hour and a half was over.

No one would leave when practice ended.

We all stayed around.

Continued to throw balls around.

Hung out with each other.

We were all friends.

We wrestled around with each other after practice.

We would eventually leave.

After we left the next time we would meet was the championship game.

Minds were racing.

Nerves were tight.

I liked this style exercise. This style exercise made me think and made me realize how much is actually put into one sentence. The style of your sentences can change so easily.  There is so much structure packed into one sentence you wouldn’t ever know it unless you did this exercise. This exercise also made me think about how you can structure your sentences differently.  Additionally there are so many different structured sentences within your writing. There are ones with a lot of detail and ones with not so much detail. Either way the sentences have equal importance. The structure of sentences vary and this exercise made me realize how much sentence structure changes. The reason why I chose this exercise to post to the blog over any of the other ones is because I felt that this exercise had the most impact on my writing. It made me draw conclusions and gain knowledge about my style of writing. It also allowed me to view my writing from a different perspective.

Blog #3

Activity 1 Three years ago I joined a competitive swim in order to become physically fit. Little did I know that it would alter my life forever.  Swimming has given me a new appreciation for athletes and also showed me what it really takes to become great. The tremendous amount of time and thought spent in the pursuit of dropping a second or a fraction of a second, not to mention the intrusive four am wake up call, some would say is outlandish.  I see it as the difference between mediocrity and excellence.  The sport has taught me mental toughness, patience and how to cope with pain and pressure.  This has made me a stronger individual. As I progress in pursuit of greatness, I will continue to acquire new knowledge and become stronger mentally and physically.

Activity 1 Response Rephrasing certain words in the paragraph is an excellent way to stretch the limits of your vocabulary. It can be used as a learning tool for individual writing the revision by challenging their word choose and forcing them to look for creative words that would work in their sentence. I choose to post this exercise for that very reason and also because it was fun finding new words to use.

Activity 2 Humor is important

People can not live without it

  Humor is my trade

My friends and I feed on humor

  We tried to make our teacher laugh

He does not like StarWars or The Titanic theme song

 My teacher was very intimidating (not to us)

We had a plan

Our plan failed miserably

  We all received detentions

Activity 2 Humor is a very important aspect of life that all people cannot live without. My friends and I happen to be agents of humor. We instinctively derive humor from almost everything. One day after a very dry lecture on the novel, The Scarlett Letter, my friends and I decided to ask our teacher some questions. He was a very strict individual: he combed his hair in a perfect part, always wore a suit and tie, and always and polished shoes. "Hey Professor do you like StarWars and or The Titanic?" He replies with a cold "No" and asked us to leave him alone. We had a devious plan to get him to laugh because we knew deep down he had a sense of humor. We decided to go to class early the next day and have a lightsaber battle while playing The Titanic theme song. We executed the plan perfectly except for the fact that we had entered the wrong classroom. We were all given detentions for being morons, but it was hilarious.

Activity 2 Response This activity was helpful because the kernels give you the opportunity to find the most important topics in your paragraph. It also helps you decide what theme or message you would like to convey. I choose it to convey the most humors parts of the story whilst keeping it rather short and sweet.