Blog Post #3: Ashley Shaw

I like when I shortened my paragraph down to only two or more syllable words because I feel like even if the reader didn't get all of the detail I put into the original they'd still understand what was going on. They'd still feel it almost as much as I did.

"Christmastime: cookies, presents, family, friends. Telephone ringing bringing sorrow. Hospitals, machines beeping, doctors removing tubing keeping grandmothers alive. Bodies lunging forward gasping. Falling, crying, muscles tightening. Christmastime: Undeniable Suffering."

Aaron Mazyck 9/9

#4
Before:
The fact that I played so many sports from baseball to lacrosse makes me addicted to sports and all things fitness it is crazy some people dread working out because of how sore you are the next morning. But really that's why I love it. I love to prove to people that I can work harder then them. the feeling I get when I can barely get out of bed because my abs are deathly sore, my arms aren't operating and my legs are the equivalent of ramen noodles is like winning an Olympic gold medal in the 1600.

After:
My brother would struggle out of his bed almost every morning because he would work out eight times in the week combined with football practice.I could never understand why he likes it so much. He would always tell me that one day he would finally beat me up but i doubt it will ever happen. He flops around everyday because he is so sore, i have literally watched him crawl at a snails pace up the stairs.

I chose number 4 because I thought that it would help me explain my own words better if i went through the process trying to think like someone else. And truthfully i feel like this one actually gave me new insight to how i should shape this paragraph.

Before:
Ah this kid Scott is a long time family friend and he was…  a spoiled brat. And in his mind I was not a “cool” kid. So he went out of his way to not involve me in anything. But you are probably thinking why didn’t you just get away from him? WELL! Its because he lives in Massachusetts and my family and myself would stay with his family for entire summers. So, I was stuck hanging out with Scott. Now lots of it was immaturity but never the less he treated me like %$#@ and I was constantly reminded that he will not be such a bully in the future he is just young and immature. At the time I did not believe any of the adults who kept reminding me of this which push me to football.

After:
Ah this kid Scott is a long time family friend and he was…  a spoiled brat. And in his mind I was not a “cool” kid. So he went out of his way to not let me do stuff. But you probably thinking why did you not just get away from him? WELL! Its 'cuz he lives in Mass and my family and me would stay with his family for the summers. So, I was stuck with Scott. Now lots of it was immaturity but never the less he treated me like %$#@ and I was told all the time that he will not be so mean in the future he is just young and dumb. At the time I did not believe any of the adults who kept tellin' me of this which push me to play ball.

After:
Scotty a family friend we've know forever…  spoiled brat. Scotty's mindset was Aaron wasn't popular. therefore Scotty didn't include me in anything. It's like you're wondering twhy i didn;t get away from Scotty? BECAUSE! Its 'cuz he lives in Massachusettes and my family and myself stayed with his family for the summers. So, I was stuck with Scotty. Although, lots of it was immaturity, never the less he treated me like a degenerate and I was reminded daily that he is simply ignorant. Consistenly I didn't believe anyone of the adults who reminded me of this which pushed me to play football.


I chose exercise 9 because I felt like i have trouble using being words and seeing it with a few two syllables words help me realize how elementary writing can look when more advanced vocabulary is not used.

Blog #3

Original  (Exercise Seven)

“Sunshine” was everything that I had wanted to hear in a song, but had never heard before. It was power. It was love. It was 1967. I had never been exposed to anything even close to Cream. My exposure to music had been exclusive to what I had heard in my mother’s car on the way to school. I came from a Christian family, so all I heard was divine music for thirteen years of my life. When I heard “Sunshine” blaring out of those TV speakers, courtesy of Guitar Hero, something inside me could not let it go. That song was stuck in my head for weeks. I still remember walking outside of Ms. Williams’s room at school, humming away.

Extended

"Sunshine” was everything that I had wanted to hear in a song, but had never heard before; It was power, love, 1967 in a song. I had never been exposed to anything even close to Cream because exposure to music had been exclusive to what I had heard in my mother’s car on the way to school. I came from a Christian family, so all I heard was divine music for thirteen years of my life, so when I heard “Sunshine” blaring out of those TV speakers, courtesy of Guitar Hero, something inside me could not let it go. That song was stuck in my head for weeks; I still remember walking outside of Ms. Williams’s room at school, humming away.

  
Fragmented 

           “Sunshine” was everything that I had wanted to hear in a song. I had never heard anything like it before. It was power. It was love. It was 1967. I had never been exposed to anything even close to Cream. My exposure to music had been exclusive to what I had heard in my mother’s car on the way to school. I came from a Christian family. All I heard was divine music for thirteen years of my life. When I heard “Sunshine” blaring out of those TV speakers, courtesy of Guitar Hero, something inside me could not let it go. That song was stuck in my head for weeks. I still remember walking outside of Ms. Williams’s room at school, humming away.


Exercise 6

“Sunshine” was everything that I had wanted to hear in a song, but had never heard before. It was power. It was love. It was 1967. I had never been exposed to anything even close to Cream. My exposure to music had been exclusive to what I had heard in my mother’s car on the way to school. I came from a Christian family, so all I heard was divine music for thirteen years of my life. When I heard “Sunshine” blaring out of those TV speakers, courtesy of Guitar Hero, something inside me could not let it go. That song was stuck in my head for weeks. I still remember walking outside of Ms. Williams’s room at school, humming away.

Now, what could I do with this new found love of music? I had already tried to learn guitar—and failed miserably. What was easier than guitar? Drums! I would learn the drums! Drums are easy and they do not hurt your fingers! Christmas was approaching, so I figured that a shiny electric drum set was exactly that thing to ask for, and man, was I right.

    “Sunshine” was everything that I had wanted to hear in a song, but had never heard before. It was power. It was love. It was 1967. I had never been exposed to anything even close to Cream. My exposure to music had been exclusive to what I had heard in my mother’s car on the way to school. I came from a Christian family, so all I heard was divine music for thirteen years of my life. When I heard “Sunshine” blaring out of those TV speakers, courtesy of Guitar Hero, something inside me could not let it go. That song was stuck in my head for weeks. I still remember walking outside of Ms. Williams’s room at school, humming away.

Now, what could I do with this new found love of music? I had already tried to learn guitar—and failed miserably. What was easier than guitar? Drums! I would learn the drums! Drums are easy and they do not hurt your fingers! Christmas was approaching, so I figured that a shiny electric drum set was exactly that thing to ask for, and man, was I right. 

I chose these exercises because they tackled my biggest pet peeve about writing: repetition. I do not want to be the writer who lacks imagination or vocabulary, so switching up my sentence structure and highlighting repetitious nouns and pronouns were perfect exercises for me. 

Blog #3
Exercise 4: Changing POV

Before:

High school was a fun time that blasted right by. I am so glad that is have made memories with friends that I’ll remember forever! Memories like, after winning football games, we would sit in the parking lot for hours to make plans for that night. None of us would come to an agreement on what to do, so we would go home and take showers, meet and one of the teammates have dinner and watch the film from the game and laugh about how they messed up and mock what the coach will say the following Monday during our team film session. I’ll miss the senior activities we had, my favorite one was senior skip day. Shockingly my parents were in favor of me skipping school. The entire class would met at IHOP and have breakfast, waiting impatiently for the waiter to come with ice cold water and hot cakes with butter melting from the top off the stack. Some of the cool end had did the “diner dash” stunts, so is quickly threw my twenty dollar bill down and headed for the door. This year we went to a park a few miles down the road from school and had basketball games and water balloon fights. We were having so much fun, until we looked over our shoulder and saw our rival school Hazelwood East come rolling into the park. They were about twenty cars deep. We were ready for war! We came together with our water guns and water balloons and blasted those suckers right out of the park. Victory was ours! Now for some strange reason, they came back to the park! I guess they didn’t learn their first lesson. So this time, we blasted them with our water guns and balloons and even had the audacity to go to their cars, take their water guns and balloons and throw it at them. Once and finally, victory had been ours! I have been going to school with these classmates since middle school and some elementary, we were bound to become best friends, make memories and create a bond that’ll be irreplaceable! I’m so glad that I met those people. Is still keep in contact with them even though we are states apart! 

#1- 3rd person


High school was a fun time that blasted right by. He was so glad that he made memories with friends that he’ll remember forever! Memories like, after winning football games, they would sit in the parking lot for hours to make plans for that night. None of them would come to an agreement on what to do, so they would go home and take showers, meet and one of their teammates house, have dinner and watch the film from the game and laugh about how they messed up and mock what the coach will say the following Monday during their team film session. He’ll miss the senior activities they had, his favorite one was senior skip day. Shockingly his parents were in favor of him skipping school. The entire class would met at IHOP and have breakfast, waiting impatiently for the waiter to come with ice cold water and hot cakes with butter melting from the top off the stack. Some of the cool kids had did the “diner dash” stunts, so he quickly threw his twenty dollar bill down and headed for the door. This year they went to a park a few miles down the road from school and had basketball games and water balloon fights. They were having so much fun, until they looked over our shoulder and saw their rival school Hazelwood East come rolling into the park. They were about twenty cars deep. They were ready for war! They came together with their water guns and water balloons and blasted those suckers right out of the park. Victory was theirs! Now for some strange reason, they came back to the park! He guessed they didn’t learn their first lesson. So this time, they blasted them with their water guns and balloons and even had the audacity to go to their cars, take their water guns and balloons and throw it at them. Once and finally, victory had been theirs! he has been going to school with these classmates since middle school and some elementary, they were bound to become best friends, make memories and create a bond that’ll be irreplaceable! He's so glad that he met those people. He still keep in contact with them even though we are states apart! 

#2 2nd person


High school was a fun time that blasted right by. You are so glad that you made memories with friends that you'll remember forever! Memories like, after winning football games, you would sit in the parking lot for hours to make plans for that night. None of yall  would come to an agreement on what to do, so you guys would go home and take showers, meet and one of the teammates have dinner and watch the film from the game and laugh about how you messed up and mock what the coach will say the following Monday during our team film session. You’ll miss the senior activities you guys had, your favorite one was senior skip day. Shockingly your parents were in favor of you skipping school. The entire class would met at IHOP and have breakfast, waiting impatiently for the waiter to come with ice cold water and hot cakes with butter melting from the top off the stack. Some of the cool end had did the “diner dash” stunts, so you quickly threw your twenty dollar bill down and headed for the door. This year you guys went to a park a few miles down the road from school and had basketball games and water balloon fights.  were having so much fun, until we looked over our shoulder and saw our rival school Hazelwood East come rolling into the park. They were about twenty cars deep. You were ready for war! you all came together with our water guns and water balloons and blasted those suckers right out of the park. Victory was yours! Now for some strange reason, they came back to the park! You guessed they didn’t learn their first lesson. So this time, you blasted them with your water guns and balloons and even had the audacity to go to their cars, take their water guns and balloons and throw it at them. Once and finally, victory had been yours! You have been going to school with these classmates since middle school and some elementary, you were bound to become best friends, make memories and create a bond that’ll be irreplaceable! You are so glad that you met those people. You still keep in contact with them even though you are states apart! 



I enjoyed this exercise because it gave me insight on what other POV really looked liked. it was really cool reading it from the 2nd person. it was like you were reading the good times someone had in their life and thought they really had a good time. 3rd person was awkward in a way because I really never got familiar with writing pieces from that POV. after reading it when I was finished making the corrections, it seemed more realistic.

Blog #3: "Style Revision" -Emily Plower

The smell of the boat’s exhaust and the crisp ocean air was all too familiar. It was a hot summer day on the boat with my dad, cousins, and uncles. We were off the coast of North Carolina and embarking on our famous fishing trip. As we were going out to the fishing grounds I sat with my cousins talking and making wagers as to who would be the one with the most note-worthy fish. My cousin John won every year, and he had every intention of defending his title of wrangler of the year for the Plower family again. However, that hot and humid July morning I had a weird feeling that, that title would soon belong to me. When we got to our fishing destination I dropped my line in the crystal clear water and waited. I felt an unimpressive nibble and so in a swift motion I yanked the pole back and set the hook. As I was reeling the fish in I was slightly disappointed at the puny fight it was putting up. As the fish creeped up to the surface and was approximately four feet below I discovered it was a paltry Sea Bass. Disappointed, I continued to reel it in until, Bam! A monstrosity of a fish devoured my Sea Bass and the hook with it! I had a beast on my line at this point. My fishing pole immediately bent in half and the fish on my line was putting up the fight of its life. I reeled the fish in for what seemed hours, my muscles aching and screaming. After nearly forty-five minutes of reeling in the fish, I was finally successful. With the help of my dad I lifted the behemoth fish over the side of the boat. The massive 50 pound Amberjack was an exquisite silver and brown color. I could not believe the sheer size of the allusive creature and that I caught this giant. My cousins, uncles, and dad all stood around me in awe of my catch. I knew I would I have the prized catch of the day and that the bragging rights belonged to me. The rest of the day my cousins all spent trying to catch a comparable fish, but none were up to the task. Walking off the boat that day I felt triumphant. I finally had my fish story.

and

Before: So it might be a little weird, but I go to a tree for inspiration. The day I was born my mom and dad planted a tiny seedling Grapefruit tree, giving it the name, “The Emily Tree”. Starting out the tree was small and meager, nothing more than a twig sticking out of the ground. My parents truly didn’t think it would survive a gust of wind. However it did survive, flourished, actually. The tree grew and grew as the years passed, surviving difficulties with pests, deer, and lack of water (we are a busy family, watering plants wasn’t a priority!). Regardless though, The Emily Tree stayed rooted and unmoving; one year producing almost 300 grapefruits! To the benefit of our neighbors, they received garbage bags full of the fruit, regardless if they liked them or not. So a tree as inspiration, its strange, I get it. Think about it though, that little twig that stuck out of the ground survived eighteen years in my yard. Eighteen years of whirling wind, scorching sun, and torrential Florida downpours, I would have to say that’s pretty impressive. The entire time The Emily Tree was growing, much like myself during those eighteen years. As I went through rough times, so did the tree. The Emily Tree’s leaves may have been shaken but they never fell, much like life, it hands you a couple bad cards but it’s never the end of the game, there is always a way to come out winning.

After: So it might be a little weird, but there is a girl who goes to a tree for inspiration. The day she was born her mom and dad planted a tiny seedling Grapefruit tree, giving it the name, “The Emily Tree”. Starting out the tree was small and meager, nothing more than a twig sticking out of the ground. Her parents truly didn’t think it would survive a gust of wind. However it did survive, flourished, actually. The tree grew and grew as the years passed, surviving difficulties with pests, deer, and lack of water (they were a busy family, watering plants wasn’t a priority!). Regardless though, The Emily Tree stayed rooted and unmoving; one year producing almost 300 grapefruits! To the benefit of her neighbors, they received garbage bags full of the fruit, regardless if they liked them or not. So a tree as inspiration, its strange, and thats an understandable feeling. Think about it though, that little twig that stuck out of the ground survived eighteen years in her yard. Eighteen years of whirling wind, scorching sun, and torrential Florida downpours, One would have to say that’s pretty impressive. The entire time The Emily Tree was growing, much like herself during those eighteen years. As she went through rough times, so did the tree. The Emily Tree’s leaves may have been shaken but they never fell, much like life, it hands one a couple bad cards but it’s never the end of the game, there is always a way to come out winning.

First Activity: I enjoyed this activity of actually going back and assessing the adjectives used. It allowed me to take the time and think about possibly better words that could describe what I am trying to say. Often times when I write I get consumed with trying to just finish, but going back allowed me to focus and put more care into my word choice. I noticed I used very simple words like "huge" or "small" when if I had put more time into word choice I could've used a better word choice that would be more creative. I posted this one in particular because I think that there are certain sentences that were greatly enhanced by my revised used of adjectives. This is an exercise that I will use again in a paper when I revise in the future.

Second Activity: I thought the activity on changing the POV was actually really beneficial. I liked that it made you think, in the sense that it wasn't just changing one or two words but sometimes entire sentences. It made me realize how important the POV is and how it may effect surrounding verbs and the tense of the way in which things are said. It will aid in my future papers and remind me to pay close attention to my verb tense, nouns, and what POV that I am using in accordance. At times I can get lazy and will switch points of view in a paper which can obviously leave a reader confused at what is occurring.

Blog #3 - Alexander Wohlert

Exercise #: 4

Before:

The crowd was insane.  Everyone was bumping into each other as we stood close to the stage just waiting.  We were in the pit.  Some people were outrageously dressed with crazy costumes while others were trying to stay cool in the heat of the crowd wearing their Gaga t-shirts.  I was at the first Lady Gaga concert that kicked off her fourth tour.  I got VIP tickets as a graduation gift.  Everyone there was excited until the long wait began.  A DJ came on stage and stayed there for what seemed like forever. Boring. The time passed.  It was hot and we were all standing in the pit.  The concert was supposed to start an hour and a half ago.  Some of the people in the seat section were getting tired of waiting and I could see them slumping over.  Finally, the stadium went dark, music began and she burst on stage. The light show almost blinded us.  I never felt such electricity before in a crowd of people.  Everyone was screaming and dancing.  She is really loved by her fans.  I almost touched her hand as she reached out into the crowd on the stage right in front of me.  I’m a fan.  I admit it.  Crazy sets.  Really odd costumes.  Singing to the music I know by heart.

After: (third person)

The crowd was insane.  Everyone was bumping into each other as a teenage guy and his girlfriend stood close to the stage just waiting.  They were in the pit.  Some people were outrageously dressed with crazy costumes while others were trying to stay cool in the heat of the crowd wearing their Gaga t-shirts.  They were at the first Lady Gaga concert that kicked off her fourth tour.  They got VIP tickets as a graduation gift.  Everyone there was excited until the long wait began.  A DJ came on stage and stayed there for what seemed like forever. Boring. The time passed.  It was hot and they were all standing in the pit.  The concert was supposed to start a hour and a half ago.  Some of the people in the seat section were getting tired of waiting and he could see them slumping over.  Finally, the stadium went dark, music began and Lady Gaga burst on stage. The light show almost blinded them.  They never felt such electricity before in a crowd of people.  Everyone was screaming and dancing.  She is really loved by her fans.  He almost touched her hand as she reached out into the crowd on the stage right in front of him. He and his girlfriend were huge fans and they weren’t afraid to admit it.  Crazy sets.  Really odd costumes.  Singing to the music they know by heart. What a great voice and performer.

After: (second person)

The crowd is insane.  Everyone was bumping into each other as you stand close to the stage just waiting.  You’re in the pit.  Some people are outrageously dressed with crazy costumes while others are trying to stay cool in the heat of the crowd wearing their Gaga t-shirts.  You are at the first Lady Gaga concert kicking off her fourth tour. You got VIP tickets as a graduation gift.  Everyone there is excited until the long wait begins and a DJ comes on stage and stays there for what seems like forever. Boring. The time passes.  It’s hot and you’re all standing in the pit.  The concert was supposed to start an hour and a half ago.  Some of the people in the seat section are getting tired of waiting and you can see them slumping over.  Finally, the stadium goes dark, music begins and she bursts on stage. The light show almost blinds you.  You’ve never felt such electricity before in a crowd of people.  Everyone is screaming and dancing.  She is really loved by her fans.  You almost touch her hand as she reaches out into the crowd on the stage right in front of you. Crazy sets, really odd costumes, singing to the music you know by heart. You're a fan, admit it.

I chose to do exercise #4 because I thought it would be simple to change the points of view of the paragraph. I thought I could change "I" to "you" and leave it at that; however, I had to change various parts of the sentences as well. For example, when I changed it to second person, I needed to change the past tense of the paragraph to present tense. I realized, after making these changes, that the paragraph was more exciting to read after I changed it to second person.

Exercise #: 5

Before:

I loved to hear the tick, tick, tick of the sprinkler as it made its way back to the beginning before shooting water out onto the lawn with such force.  I could sit for hours watching it go back and forth.  I’d even try to make it go faster by manually pulling back the sprinkler arm. I’d crouch in the grass, getting wet myself from the backspray. My dad told me these were impact sprinklers.  We also had an oscillating sprinkler.  You know, the ones that move back and forth like a huge fan.  They didn’t make noise but I still liked to watch them.  There was something a bit soothing about the water moving in an arch.  Another sprinkler that we used on the side of the house was just a round tube with holes in it that shot water out like a fountain.  This one was just okay to watch but it wasn’t very exciting.  No sound and no real movement.  We had one more sprinkler that had little arms with holes on the ends that moved the water around in a circle.  I found out later that these were rotary sprinklers.

After:

Tick, tick, tick. The sprinkler makes its way back to the beginning before shooting water out onto the lawn with such force. Watching it go back and forth provided hours of entertainment.  Manually pulling back the sprinkler arm would make it go faster. The backspray would get you wet if you stood too close. My dad said these were impact sprinklers.  We also had an oscillating sprinkler.  You know, the ones that move back and forth like a huge fan.  They didn’t make noise but they were still interesting to watch.  There was something a bit soothing about the water moving in an arch.  Another sprinkler that we used on the side of the house was just a round tube with holes in it that shot water out like a fountain.  This one was just okay to watch but it wasn’t very exciting.  No sound and no real movement.  We had one more sprinkler that had little arms with holes on the ends that moved the water around in a circle. These were rotary sprinklers. 

I chose to do exercise  #5 because when I was reading through the exercises, I realized I use the word "I" very frequently in my writing. I decided to try this exercise to see what my writing would sound like if I took the I's out of it. When I took the I's out, I saw that the story didn't seem as emotional as it was before. It took some of the personal aspect out of the story.